Thursday, January 20, 2011
Do not read this, you cannot handle it.
OK, so you're still reading this, so we're off to a great start so far. I am OK with that for about roughly 10 percent of you. That is my completely unscientific and rough estimate of the average amount of people who can handle truth that is not sugar coated.
I wish I could say, "why, back in my day...", since I am obviously horribly old. But the truth is that "back in my day" was not long enough ago for that expression and in fact, in my day America was literally infested with hippies. It took us until the Reagan administration to bring them back down into acceptable numbers.
But if I had lived a couple hundred years ago, when your leg routinely got amputated WITHOUT anesthesia, I sure as hell would use that expression.
Today we say we want the "truth", but we are lying. Mostly to ourselves. We say we want the truth, but we also want it to sound and feel good. We want the truth to make us feel "fulfilled" and "happy".
Well, tough. I'm going to tell you some truths that you won't like. And if you're still reading, it is your own fault.
1) LIFE IS NOT FAIR
HOW old are you? 20, 30 or 40? 50, 60 or 70? And you are still looking or hoping for "life to be fair"? I don't care if you are 100, GROW up. Life is insanely and predictably unfair. That is one of its finest and most consistent qualities, in fact.
Does that mean there is no God or He is unfair, or that we should be unfair or that even most people are unfair? No, it means that LIFE is unfair. Pay attention.
Good people get sick. Bad people get rich. Really, really stupid people get both fame AND fortune on Jersey Shore.
Cheered up yet? Good. Shut up and read the next one.
2) SPANKING IS NOT BAD FOR YOUR KIDS
Is there such a thing as child abuse? Absolutely. There are two kinds: 1) hitting your kids too hard and often and 2) hitting your kids too soft and not often enough.
The difficult part is finding the perfect amount. Spanking your kid once a day "whether they need it or not, to be safe", is actually wrong in most States. So is threatening to spank and never doing it.
Also? Convincing your snowflake that the world revolves purely for their happiness and that as adults, they will always be welcomed and swaddled in a warm blanket by equally caring and loving teachers, employers and police officers? Great idea, mom/dad/robot.
Nothing bad could ever come out of that strategy. They will finally and painfully learn truth #1 above, about 18 years too late, but at least you will feel good for a couple years.
3) ALL POLITICIANS ARE LIARS
OK, this one is technically not completely true. I should have written that all LIVING politicians are liars. Most of the non-breathing ones are no longer deceiving huge portions of the world.
Are you super proud of the fact you are a Republican or a Democrat? Good. We are estimating that in as few as 2 or 3 years, we will need some promising individuals that are intelligent enough to step up and replace the current cast of Jersey Shore.
Fortunately, our politicians would be even far worse liars if not for our free press and news outlets (4th branch of government) constantly confronting them and holding their feet to the fire............. HAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously though, no.
4) YOU WILL NEVER BE RICH OR FAMOUS
5) DOGS ARE AWESOME
Strong proof there actually is a God, this fact is not really terrible at all and even somewhat makes up for the existence of Republicans, Democrats and reality TV.
6) WE ALL DIE WITHIN 100 YEARS AND ARE FORGOTTEN WITHIN 100 MORE
Depressing, huh? You're right. One might even say UNFAIR (please see #1).
Some might also say it is a good excuse to only do everything to make yourself happy and not care about anyone else. This is actually a very sound and time proven strategy and will bring you at least a good 40 to 60 years of misery. Good luck with that.
7) TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO BE HAPPY
More unfairness and weirdness to boot. Trying to only please yourself will make you miserable and alone. Not counting years of having your own TV show, of course.
But I, on the other hand, have dedicated myself to others happiness, starting with positive, inspirational and heart warming blog posts.
I have practiced both methods and I can tell you with conviction that trying to only make yourself happy works really well. I mean terrible. It works really well until you put out an eye or wake up in the drunk tank (which I have not actually done, I still have both eyes).
If you really want to be happy, the surest way to do it is to find someone else to make happy. For starters (almost like a do-it-yourself kit) you could and should find somebody to love. And then maybe make babies with that person and then love those babies.
This is one obscure method that was regularly used back many years ago (before anesthesia).
Finally, do everything you can to help and better the lives of those you love.
This includes always telling them the truth even if it hurts, spanking them, buying them a dog and most importantly, never ever allowing them to watch the Jersey Shore.