A few years ago, while I was watching an old rerun of the Cosby Show, adorable little Raven came on with her cute, chubby little cheeks and started pulling her trademark sass on grandpa.
This of course was long before Raven had turned psychic or came out as gay, so it was long enough ago that I honestly can't remember how the scene ended.
I'm guessing it could have ended with her being even more sassy and being the only one who somehow could magically put grandpa Cosby in his place, so he just sullenly shoved some Jello pudding in his mouth.
But I do distinctly remember that I apparently and suddenly turned into an old Jewish mom.
I know this because I turned to my daughter and said, "oh my god, Raven was so cuuuute!" (Yes, with four "U"s.)
Then with all earnestness I blurted out, "you need to hurry up and make me a cute grand-baby!"
I felt this was a perfectly insightful thing to say, but my wife had several suggestions for me which included, "let her finish college first" and "shut up".
I said I would take both into consideration and then both these sometimes scary women proceeded to inform me that I am "weird". They do this regularly, as if I don't know already.
What I didn't tell them is I don't just want to chew on an adorable chubby grand-babies cheeks. I am not that short-sighted.
I obviously also have secret plans on spoiling them with sugar, toys, money, etc. before sending them back to mom and dad. (They are secret plans, so please do not tell the women folk.)
But most importantly, I have an enormous amount of wisdom and rich history to pass on to my future ancestors. I am literally full of it! And according to my beard and hairline, there is a definite expiration date on this stuff.
So, for a sneak preview... here are just a few things with which I will regale (Olde Englishe for "bore the hell out of") my grandchildren.
Needless to say, almost every parable and proverb will start with, "why, when *I* was your age...". I am guessing most will also be yelled.:
- Why, when *I* was a kid, we didn't have fancy "talky boxes" to play "crushy candies" or "angry flipping the birds" on the toilet. We read bottles and tubes and we had to read the same ones again and again! The only reason we ever tried new brands of shampoo or toothpaste was to get something new to read while we pooped!
- You know, we didn't have these fancy shmancy $400 Samsung Galaxy "flashlights" just so we could make it from the bedroom to the bathroom without banging into things. The most painful injury mankind ever invented besides childbirth is stubbing your toe! It's how most of our favorite cuss words even got invented! And most of you little brats won't even know the pleasure of that!
- Why am I yelling!
- Before she shot up and robbed that bank and went on the high speed interstate police chase that landed her in San Quentin, she was actually a cute little girl who played on her own show, "Hannah Montana". I couldn't stand her then either!
- Before NSAlovesyouandwatchesyou.com was everyone's homepage, it was a website called "Bookface" or "Facebook"... I can't remember. It had a blue bar at the top. But we weren't required by law to post status updates twice a day like now. We only posted because we were bored or desperately needing attention!
- Go get grandpa another scotch. And bring your little brother over here so I can chew on his chubby little cheeks!
- Hey! Where are you going!
*grabs remote control and turns on the AllseeingeyeVision *
*shoves another spoonful of pudding into face*