Thursday, September 27, 2012

Snarling, hissing death on a fence

I think one of my favorite things about living on the edge of "the country" in Oregon City / Beavercreek is that if you drive around enough, you can find several places that don't have skunks or possums.

My back yard is not one of those places.

On some of the back roads, you can even drive several hundred feet without smelling Pepe Le Pew, but only because the skunk stationed there accidentally wandered off and got lost in my particular 20 foot by 20 foot patch of suburbia and somehow could not escape again.

They traversed 10 miles of forest and yards, but the 6 foot fence they already climbed over to get in my yard suddenly becomes impenetrable to them on the way out.

And if we (Amy) aren't coming out with the dogs in the morning to stinky, cute animals ("you can call me Flower if you want to"), then it's slightly less stinky, ugly animals like possums.

I think when God was creating the animals and got to possums, He said, "Look, I'm late for a tee time with Gabriel, so let's hurry up. You know what, let's just make this one hideous to mess with everybody's heads. Yup, even the baby ones."

One of Mother Nature's ways of saying, "KEEP AWAY FROM THIS. Don't even come within 10 feet. Especially with a camera phone with a flash, you idiot."

I was almost out the door for work at 5:00 this morning when I heard the commotion. Amy's usual reserved "shhhhh" at this hour was replaced with, "Chloe! CHLOE! ChLoOoOeEeE!!!!"

When I came running out, Amy was bent over at the waist, running in circles with her arms outstretched while the loudest dogs in Oregon City, possibly the world, easily darted around her and evaded her grasp and cussed in Welsh at the ass-ugly intruder on the fence.

Luckily, I rejected my first impulse to casually ask her, "do you need a hand?" because I knew she could catch me much more easily than the dogs.

You may not know this, but Welsh Corgis are the world's smallest herding dog, are surprisingly fast and can bob and weave quicker than Walter Payton, especially if they have one of your shoes in their mouth.

I was able to first capture the older, non-insane dog, but only because we both went after her and somewhat cornered her as she was distracted with panicking and swearing at Captain Ugly Fangs.

As if it wasn't stressful enough that our dogs were waking everyone in a 2 miles radius at 5:00 AM, we had to try to recapture all this hell that broke loose while that demonic teeth-dirt-fur thing stared calmly down at the four of us doing our best Benny Hill rendition.

I am sure it would have been laughing, if it wasn't plotting how to best pounce on one of our necks and infect us with rabies or West Nile Hepatitis or whatever.

After both dogs were inside and the panic subsided, I was fortunately quick witted enough to remember that all things big or small in my life must be recorded and chronicled on Facebooktwitterinstagram and so I approached the furry little satan, armed with only my Android and a healthy dose of stupidity.

He stayed there motionless and with a calmness that said, "this is my place now, you have 48 hours to pack and get out".

When I came back in, Amy said "I hope you know I just watched you flash the neighbor's place 5 times".

And I also lit up their yard and house with my camera flash!

Luckily, they were probably already awake from our precious pets, Bullhorn and Megaphone. I bet they send us a fruit cake for Christmas this year.

I better test it first on the possum, if he let's me back near his house again by then.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Why so Siri us?

Time is of the essence and our schedules are busier than ever. There are times I want to let people know how I am doing and what's going on in my life, but I am too busy to stop and update my blog.

Well, that's no longer a problem, thanks to my new iPhone!

This marvel of technology is simply amazing. It has the world's most accurate voice to text feature and to save time and show my utter confidence in it, I am going to speak the rest of this blog into it:


OK, her ghost. Pee pull always say that one of the bust things about a pill phones are how a carrot there's peach to Texan.

What scolding on in my wife lately? A lot!

On the home french, lots of stuff is happy knee. 

I am tent a leave going to fly out ptomaine again in October. Hopeful leave I'll gut two sea family why lout there on the ease toast.

Also, lay Tilly, with a cup all frenzy mine, I helped start a new die and exercise blog called "Hell's Neat Underpanties".

We give a vice and encourage men to pee pull how to shit pounds and keep the moth!

My friends Martha Jessup have lots of great inflammation to share and are master motor baiters.

Are dog olive her is as crazy as Canby. We have tubey car full not toilet him outside when the nipples dog is achoo or they will bow spark like crazy!

Well, that sit porno. Hopeful leaf my iPhone trannys let this a carrot leave.

Undead next time! See yell ate her!