Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thank You Letter To Verizon

Dear Verizon,

First of all, thank you. It has long been said that for a man to feel childbirth, he would have to pull his lower lip over the top of his head. This is not true for two reasons. One is that I tested it out on someone else once. The second is that to feel the agonies, horrors and pains involved, a man must now merely try to buy a phone from you.

Now, I realize you would go out of business if every customer experienced this and you were thus forced to create a lottery for the salespeople. This takes their hatred and contempt for all customers and instead of spreading it to everyone, focuses it like a laser upon one unwitting person. That was a really good idea and I won it today.

I also realize that you work very hard at corporate to make purchasing phones as confusing and time consuming as possible, but I was fortunate enough to get a salesperson who was able to take the few remaining easy steps and make them just this side of impossible.

He was magnificent. He was a master artist whose mediums were incompetence, slowness and general screw ups. Several people wept openly to see him perform.

To drive this point home, they brought out a chimpanzee - obviously untrained, I think it was his first day on the floor - and he proceeded to sell 4 phones in the time I tried to purchase mine, and 1 of which was to someone who could not speak a word of English.

(No, the chimp did not speak a word of English either, but obviously understood it and at least one other language, whatever Pietro was speaking.)

Before I left, I was handed a customer satisfaction card to fill out. This was a good idea. When mine arrives at headquarters, you will spot it right away. Under "would you buy a phone here again", mine will say, "no, I will walk in, beat the shit out of the nearest salesperson and take theirs".

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Doesn't this mean you would lose your current cell number?"

Yes. But walking back out with a new phone in less than 4 hours still far outweighs losing all my contacts and the probable felony.


Your loyal customer until this damn contract runs out in 2 years,