Sunday, April 24, 2011

Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

"Kill you, the P90X will..."

I ran a half mile yesterday and another today and am not dead. For the most part.

Now that it is finally spring in Oregon, my going running lets me mix my two favorite hobbies of chest pains and getting drenched.

Austin went running around the track with me for today's stint (short for "shin splint") and he quickly reminded me that at 18 and being on the varsity track team, he can effortlessly outpace me.

I don't begrudge him this at all. I think I will ground him and turn off his Internet, I am so proud.

Anyway, I am doing a little running (in the sense of "running" fast enough to get away from a distracted toddler), because I want to get my cardio or pulmonary or whatever it's called a little better conditioned to help with doing the P90X that I just ordered.

If you have not heard about or seen P90X before, then I am guessing you either do not own a TV or have eyeballs.

Even if you have not worked out at all for years, P90X is a great way to spend only mumble mumble dollars to allow you to immediately and effortlessly jump right back into working out every day.

Haha! Just kidding. If you are not suicidal, they recommend you first cut down to less than 6 hours a day of gluing your ass to the couch before ordering the DVDs.

Or they will not be legally responsible for "...injury, death or worse".

(Which was easy for me, since I don't watch TV a whole lot. Now if I could just get down to under 6 hours a day on Facebook.)

So, if you didn't already know, P90X is a popular 3 month long workout whose initials stand for: "Power-90 days-Xactly like the 7th circle of hell, but with a pause button".

Or so I've been assured by some.

My professional trainer friend said it "may be a little intense" for me.

My daughter is fortunately a lot more sensitive about not discouraging her beloved father and so she simply laughed out loud (aka LOL) and asked "how long do they allow you to send it back?"

And they both did this right on Facebook, which clearly makes them terrible people you should avoid.

Always remember: "surrounding yourself with only positive reinforcement is critical for reaching your goals."

I read that timeless truth somewhere or just totally pulled it out of my butt. Either way, I think I am going to keep it a secret from everybody else, at least for now, that I am doing the P90X.

Anyhoo, now that I am doing this P90X, I happened to notice that it is sold by 'Beach". That means in just 90 days I will literally have a body you would expect to see on a beach!

And one that is more human-like in appearance than whale-like, which is a bonus.

Also? When I do finish it toward the end of July, it will most likely have finally stopped raining for more than 3 days in a row in Oregon!

Just in time to hit the beach with my arguably human-like physique before our rainy season starts up again in mid-August.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Words can hurt (when applied properly)

I am the undisputed, greatest Scrabble player on the entire Internet, but I refuse to let it go to my head. Humility is in fact my second greatest quality (the first, my being incredibly attractive).

I am currently beating all my friends at "Words With Friends", a super cool Scrabble knock-off that will sometimes go an entire 2 hours without crashing on Android phones. According to another friend / coworker I am beating, it never crashes on the iPhone, which just makes me hate Apple even more.

(I say all my "friends", but they are mostly conduits to exercise and display my unspeakable vocabulary prowess and saintlike humility.)

I am also playing a couple games with complete strangers and this has admittedly tested my sainthood a little. Moments ago, I played 3 moves above 50 points apiece to the anonymous opponent's one syllable, 3 and 4 letter retorts. In other words, "retorts" is apparently too big for this person to play.

Now, part of me thinks this could be a little kid and maybe I should go easier on them, so they do not get discouraged.

Haha! This will not happen of course, but I am a good enough person to consider it, is my point. Encouragement is important, but so is learning that life is cruelly unfair and grownups have it way, way better (we totally do, kids).

I know I sound a little here like a "rude jerk", but I assure you I really am not. I am a "scurrilous prolifigate". It's worth way more points.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

And now for something completely different

I admit that it has been awhile since I have posted something poignant and actually heart-touching, so I hope you are totally prepared today to finally wait a few more weeks for that.

A close friend told me yesterday that I really march to a different beat than most people and my first reaction was to confess that most of the time, the music in my head sounds a lot like a one armed man trying to unload drums from a van.

But I am fully aware that a large percentage of those who know me must often ask themselves why I don't act my age. And that is a very good question.

One of the first reasons is that my age is freaking old.

In dog years, I am 6. Have you ever seen a 6 year old dog? They are old, trust me. They are the ones they invented the saying for that you "cannot teach a new trick" to them. And they are no longer even remotely cute. So, do the math.

(Wow, that was a terrible argument.)

And yes, I know that being gray and wrinkly and out of shape is unsightly enough and adding my acting like an immature idiot into the mix does not improve the picture.

But I am having fun or at least trying. They say I'm crazy, but I have a good time.

Is life actually riddled with tragedy and sadness and pain? Yes. God yes. Just pick up a newspaper.

And personally, this was the most painful two weeks I have experienced physically in months.

My chronic nerve pain is so bad this week, even touching the keyboard or mouse feels like touching a hot stove. All week, the bones in my arm have felt like they are being squeezed in a vice. Even now, it is excruciating.

But being in pain all day, every day, is still a lot more tolerable than choosing to be miserable and feeling sorry for yourself about it. And only one of those things do I have control over.

I try my best almost every day to make myself and others laugh. Several days a month I might even succeed.

My wife and kids are so used to it that they will even spur me on with comments like, "what is wrong with you", "please stop" and "why doesn't he ever stop".

They are my greatest fans, which is saying a lot. For starters, it is saying that unlike most people, they cannot get in their cars and drive home to get away from me.

Anyway, I find that since I already enjoy making fun of stupidity, I will never run out of things and people to laugh at, including myself.

I think that picture shows I not only can laugh at myself, but I am well and truly an idiot who probably shouldn't even be allowed near sharp objects.

I know there is a lot of heartache and tragedy in the world and honestly pray daily for those suffering and who have it far worse than I do.

And I know that the only reason I have joy in the midst of so much constant physical pain is because the joy of the Lord is my strength. That, and all the paint chips I ate as a kid.