Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sorry I Smell So Bad

I don't usually get political on my blog, but with all the turmoil lately surrounding yet another person getting Ebola in Texas, I feel like I have no choice but to finally get serious and write about my cigars again.

Today marked a first in that I bought my first whole box of cigars to save 15%. It is also the first time I got Amy flowers and a card saying "sorry I smell so bad". Don't get me wrong, it also says "I love you" or something on the outside.

Thousands of years ago, maybe even hundreds, the Scots and Cubans declared a ceasefire and worked together to create some of the nastiest tasting and smelling things possible to women. Scientists are still not sure what womenary homromone makes them so enjoyable to only men. Like the rings forged by the Dwarves in the LoTR, scotch and cigars contain a magic that mostly can only be unlocked and wielded by wise old men, usually good looking ones with beards.

The very first Scots, examining the wrappers from their imported Cubans

I have met a couple women in my travels through middle earth who actually like one or both of these ancient potions, but while these XX chromosome weirdos are cool, they are few and far between and sadly do not live in my house.

But all of my research of ancient scrolls show that mostly they were created for men to enjoy and relax in solitude, usually outside, with just their manly thoughts to themselves or maybe a few other stinky friends or corgis.

A secret I feel safe in revealing, since almost no women or non-women read my blog, is that it gives us bearded men time to ponder and solve the deeper issues in life. I've only been stinking up the backyard for 30 minutes and already thought of several ways to solve the Ebola crisis and several rambling paragraphs of nonsense for my blog.

I predict by the time I finish my Perdomo Lot 23 Maduro and glass of Craggenmore (real word) that I may have even deciphered what the heck Oliver is chewing on in the corner of the yard and the mystery of why it is so crucial that we have to pick up our socks.

I may even solve the answer to how to get out of mowing the grass or stinking less without taking a shower, but I doubt it. Hopefully the card and flowers will help.