Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Anyone can say they are not the the person they used to be. But have you enough years and fire left to claim you are not yet the utterly new person you are still poised to become? Or has that ship sailed?
That is assuming, of course, that people in fact even can change and become a new person, let alone merely a drastically different, same person. Some say you cannot really change. They say it is bullshit. "Once a bad apple, always a bad apple". I disagree. I have no choice. I must.
Maybe I cannot wrap my head around the bleak determinism that says we are all not even making these clearly terrible choices in life, because we have no free will. But mostly, I suppose I just really want to change and keep changing. As I get older, I can think of few things less abhorrent and frightening than getting so stuck as to never be able to change again. The final foot in the grave or at least giant step away from the insane ambition and wonder this once-child had flourished under. The same wonder that thank god remains burning in all of our artists who make life even worth living, long after our flame has been hidden under a bushel and beaten mercilessly and drowned in a cubicle.
Regardless, I have decided that I can't be this same person in a year or two or I'll be seriously disappointed in myself. Part of that is just wanting to walk in the freedom of just being myself, regardless of what people think of that guy. But another part of me is actually a little worried that maybe I don't truly want to be myself for personal reasons. Maybe to some degree, I am not quite normal or sane enough to let that guy completely out. What if people don't like him? Even worse, what if they do?
We don't hide parts of who were are around people we've just met because we fear they'll think we're assholes. We have a deeper and constant fear that if we truly allowed ourselves that kind of freedom... that freedom to say and do what we want at all times... we may discover to ourselves that we really are assholes. That would make the possibility of a soulless abyss of fate and determinism all the more impossible to bear; imagine actually being an asshole that also can never truly change. Maybe that is why I cling so hard to a faith in forgiveness, second chances and redemption. And thank god... in change.