Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thank You Letter To Verizon

Dear Verizon,

First of all, thank you. It has long been said that for a man to feel childbirth, he would have to pull his lower lip over the top of his head. This is not true for two reasons. One is that I tested it out on someone else once. The second is that to feel the agonies, horrors and pains involved, a man must now merely try to buy a phone from you.

Now, I realize you would go out of business if every customer experienced this and you were thus forced to create a lottery for the salespeople. This takes their hatred and contempt for all customers and instead of spreading it to everyone, focuses it like a laser upon one unwitting person. That was a really good idea and I won it today.

I also realize that you work very hard at corporate to make purchasing phones as confusing and time consuming as possible, but I was fortunate enough to get a salesperson who was able to take the few remaining easy steps and make them just this side of impossible.

He was magnificent. He was a master artist whose mediums were incompetence, slowness and general screw ups. Several people wept openly to see him perform.

To drive this point home, they brought out a chimpanzee - obviously untrained, I think it was his first day on the floor - and he proceeded to sell 4 phones in the time I tried to purchase mine, and 1 of which was to someone who could not speak a word of English.

(No, the chimp did not speak a word of English either, but obviously understood it and at least one other language, whatever Pietro was speaking.)

Before I left, I was handed a customer satisfaction card to fill out. This was a good idea. When mine arrives at headquarters, you will spot it right away. Under "would you buy a phone here again", mine will say, "no, I will walk in, beat the shit out of the nearest salesperson and take theirs".

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Doesn't this mean you would lose your current cell number?"

Yes. But walking back out with a new phone in less than 4 hours still far outweighs losing all my contacts and the probable felony.


Your loyal customer until this damn contract runs out in 2 years,



  1. So Verizon is just as bad as Sprint? looks like the same hydra corporation owns them all, and they DO NOT CARE about customers.

  2. Good to see nothing has changed.

  3. who needs these leaches? Or is that leashes? Nope - it's both.

    Laughter is good for the soul as is forgiveness.

  4. Oh my gosh! I'm not the only one! Thank you! Try their website out. An hour of trying to figure out how to use it and dealing with a chat box person called Kelly. I had no idea you could be rude in print, but at least I didn't have to put up with trying to understand an accent. After all that, the little chat box person told me to call Verizon. Another hour on the phone was just as vexing! I have never tried so hard in my life to give people money for a phone! Your humor is wonderful and made me realize I'm not the only one adrift in the sea of Verizon! Thank you!