Remember to always cover your mouth before you cough, sneeze or say something stupid

I have never exaggerated before, so believe me when I say that I am the sickest anyone has ever, ever been with a cold.

Tom Sawyer enjoyed a luxury that most of us have dreamed of at least once or twice, which was to hear people get up and speak at his own "funeral".

I am fairly certain that more than a few at mine will hearken back to the rich tapestry of my many and diverse, rambling and incoherent Facebook posts. Which of course is little more than an indictment against how we as Americans need to get off our asses, turn off the computers and get outside more.

And yet I am somewhat understanding of it all. It is like the old saying goes, "only the good looking die young". (Billy Ocean even made a song about it.)

I admit that I am no longer that young, but I am really, really good looking. So. Do the math.

With a couple people at my office coming in sick and each of them practicing different ways to not cover their coughs and sneezes for brief periods of a month or two, I actually thought to myself just a couple weeks ago that I somehow had dodged a bullet this cold season. Or at least dodged their projectile sneeze germs, which are technically a little slower than a bullet.

And part of the reason I applauded myself for this is because I am a notoriously compulsive liar. I mean, hand washer. One of those.

But no. If I somehow, miraculously pull through this, then six months from now people will ask me how was my trip to Maine and I will tip my head and fondly ask, "what trip to Maine?" And of course, whether or not the nurse was coming back soon with my pudding.