Thursday, March 31, 2011

How to make (and lose) friends on Facebook

A lot of people ask me why I'm so popular and how they also can be really, really cool. I am actually very modest, so I usually tell them we shouldn't even joke about that kind of stuff.

But if they persist, I will often give up some really good pointers on awesomeness in general. Obviously, only some of us were born really good looking, but that is not the only way to be cooler than others.

If you want to become super liked by everybody in life, here's a couple of my tried and true methods of what to say on Facebook (since Facebook is replacing real life for many of us, anyway):

1) Talk about Politics

This is huge. Many Bookfacers or Facebookers or whatever they're called will hardly ever say anything on Facebook, but rather just lurk in the background watching everybody else babble. WRONG.

This is just not a good idea. Life is short (unless you live to be a hundred or whatever, but most people that are that old hate computers anyway) and you only live once. (I'm pretty sure.) So, seize the day and add to the vibrant and dynamic national discourse on politics. Or something.

For starters, you have to pick a side, kind of like which team you want to root for. The two sides you pick from are "Democrat" or "Republican", Left or Right and also known as (I am not making this up) a Jackass or an Elephant.

This is critical. You HAVE to pick a side to get started. (Note - generally speaking, they are equally corrupt and clueless, so don't worry about picking the "correct" side.)

Some other people who are weird and don't have friends will sometimes say they are "moderates" or "independents" and will even REGISTER as an Independent. Whatever.

These misfits do not even have a team mascot like us donkey and elephant folks. I don't even know what it would be, if they did. Maybe a sloth or koala bear (they're so cute!), but most likely a smooshed possum in the middle of the road, because it couldn't decide which way to go.

But admittedly, the upside is they can despise and make fun of both Democrats AND Republicans, which is kinda cool, if you think about it.

Next, if you really want to be influential with your political posts, do not ever ask what anyone else believes or thinks about an issue.

Asking others what they think about stuff is a rookie mistake. In fact, I wouldn't even recommend telling others what YOU believe. If you want to be known as a heavy hitter, just start off by saying how stupid and/or wrong the "other side" is.

BAM! This immediately places you in a position of superiority and makes it known, "I am better than you and I know more than you". It is difficult to argue with that.

Another method is to use sarcasm. This is another great way to make it clear that you are too smart and superior to actually engage in discussion about politics and social issues. You are simply right and the other side is too dumb to even try reasoning with.

Now I personally NEVER use sarcasm. But many do find it useful. Experiment. See what works.

2) Talk about Religion

Religion is a great topic for Facebook, because it already is rooted in so much harmony and peaceful goodwill toward others.

HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. You will lose a good chunk of your Facebook friends when you talk about religion. That is why it is so important to accept every single friend request you get, even if you do not know them.

This is because as long as you tell them the Good News of Jesus each day, you will regularly offend and lose some from your Friend's list, so accept EVERYBODY who sends a request!

(I have 14 "friends" from Albania alone. Crap... 13.)

Now with religion, you actually want to be a little more subtle with your attacks... I mean your sharing, than you do with stuff about politics.

You starting off with, "you're going to hell" or "God doesn't even exist" or "dogs don't go to heaven" is just going to make everybody mad. And If you offend EVERYBODY and they delete you as a friend, how can you rant and rave and have anybody listen to you? Do the math, dummy.

So subtlety and courtesy are clearly important, because even then, people will eventually get annoyed enough to "HIDE" you. I am fairly certain dozens have hidden me.

But then again, saying things like "God maaaaay or maaaaay not exist and maaaay or maaaay not love you" is a little TOO wish-washy.

Find a happy balance and then you can, with a genuine kindness and compassion, start telling others they are wrong.

3) Talk about Yourself

Now we're getting to the important stuff. I have a friend on Facebook (I don't think she deleted me again yet) that once posted this as her status update:

"A friend calls, laughing @ my status update, "Who cares if you bought shampoo!?" - Newsflash: FB is narcissism. Lovely delicious narcissism."

At the time, I thought to myself, "WOW, that is soooooooo true" and so I proceeded to reply with something more relevant and funny. I do that a lot.

But some people are the opposite and almost never say anything. But you don't JUST have to be a lurker (or "creeper") who doesn't say anything for months at a time and then makes short, sarcastic comments on other friend's posts. Seriously. Stop it, it's kinda creeping us out. (You know who you are.)

Let loose and blabber. Yes, there are SOME of your friends who will get sick and tired of hearing that Johnny just pooped in the big boy toilet for the first time or know that your 4 year old said something adorable for the 100th time this week. And others will not be fascinated by your wonderous superpower of being able to look out a window and see what the weather is outside.

But that is OK! The fact is that we are actually super bored and annoyed by the things you ramble about in PERSON too. But again, that is not as bad as it sounds.

We put up with it because we love you (maybe... not YOU, creeper... you know who I mean...) and we know there is a secret agreement in life... and it basically is that we will tolerate listening to you go on about yourself and in return, you will listen to us go on about ourselves.

Also, "how about this weather" has been known as acceptable "small talk" for a long, loooooong time. Let's just say "Roman times" for the heck of it.

So, there you have it in a nutshell or some other metaphor on compactness on how to be awesome on Facebook (like me).

There's WAY more advanced stuff too that is a little over your head, but this will get you started.

Just remember, every time you post something, everybody sees your face in your profile picture, which is why they call it "Facebook" in the first place. So show off your opinions and beautiful / weird face every day!

And you silent ones need to go over to Seriously, you're freaking me out.


  1. wheeze...wheezee...wheeze...cough...cough...cough...hahahahahahahhhaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....smooshed....plop

  2. Religion and politics are win/win. So is shampoo. Which, by the way, is for curly hair and on sale for only $9 a bottle.

    I was going to comment instead of lurk but Johnny is needing help with the big boy potty. I also need to change my pee pants from laughing. TMI? No. Because fb rules are also apt for blogging. See? win/win.