Saturday, September 3, 2016

The Thirteenth Commandment

Dear Church Guys with the sign,

First of all, I want to thank you. As a Christian myself, I feel like many out there are doing and saying some terrible things that can sometimes make us look stupid to the unchurched, so you guys are finally a breath of fresh air.

"Wait, did you just assume my religious identity?"

Oh, sorry! I just saw the "Eternal Damnation" and jumped to the conclusion that you also were Christians! I realize now that was rude on my part. I assumed at the very least, one of the few other fellow hellfire religions like Islam could not be your brand, since "Muslims" were already on the sign. And I have not yet seen any Hindus, Jews or Pastafarians with any comparable banners, braggadocio and bullhorns outside my favorite Portland Comic-Con.  So fingers crossed, I hope I have sleuthed out your preferred holy book and I'm talking to the right person!

Gosh darn it, let me start over.

Unlike some, you are obviously willing to touch "homos" and other topics with a ten foot pole. Or maybe it is only a nine foot banner pole... I cannot gauge the height of the Deadpool shirt guy. The point is that you don't leave us guessing and clueless about our eternal futures, like some Christians who are unwilling to spend some time and money at their local print shop. You are not like those (pardon my french) "wimps" who shirk from the persecution of their faith by getting fired just because they screamed something incomprehensible in the break room at a dark skinned coworker. You are willing to go the extra mile, as Jesus commanded.

In other words, many unbelievers are left guessing whether Christians hate them secretly or if they actually hate them openly. You take away all that guesswork.

You actually love/hate those Thugs enough to tell them about the Twelve Commandments.

With limited banner space, I know that you clearly took time and money to carefully list only the most damning sins for us to avoid. Moses needed two stone tablets to fit ten of the most important warnings from God, but you squeezed twelve onto one taut and durable piece of vinyl.

I just had a few questions, to make sure we get our own signs printed up correctly!

  • Do you feel your methods have successfully saved many from the eternal torment of stepping through your church doors? In other words, do you feel we believers are doing a good enough job of telling people that we hate them? If we really love them with the love of the Lord, is there a way to properly hate them even more?
  • A lot of my friends have complained mostly about the yoga pants line. I know better. I remember when I was a vile and bannerless sinner. I once admitted that if I ever participated around the holidays in Facebook's yearly "Thankful Thirty" fad, I would get slapped for mentioning yoga pants. Come on! It's thirty days long! Ok wait. That's the old me! I don't have the heart to tell those idiots that yoga pants are a leading cause for damnation by creating even more masturbators. I wouldn't change a thing on your sign, except maybe painting a connecting dotted line between the two, so people figure it out quicker! Also, I wanted to suggest a possible solution to the yoga pants epidemic in our nation. Listen up, ladies! Nobody likes looking at girl's butts! Gross! Ok, maybe porn freaks do, but certainly not the rest of us, you sickos! We don't like looking at your butts, so please stop. PLEASE. If you need to do yoga (which is also demonic and you will burn), the very least you could do is not make masturbators out of the godly men trying to simply pump their iron at the gym. Do your witchcrafty cardio if you must, but cover your basses. Instead of Bikram Yoga, maybe you could really sweat it out by doing Burqa Yoga? Just an idea. Your choice, sinner. Just kidding! Four counties in Alabama just made it mandatory.  
  • I had a question about the pot smoking line. Charlotte Figi first tried high CBD cannabis in 2012, when she was five years old. Her epileptic seizures went from three hundred a week to only two a month. But here is my question. Now that Charlotte is nine years old (two years older than the age of consent when God is forced to throw her in the lake of fire for her sins if she does not repent), will she suffer eternal damnation or will she be alright, since she is using CBD oils and not smoking it? Oh, and full confession, I myself have been taking several different epilepsy medicines over two months now for convulsions and seizures, sometimes lasting up to seven hours. And yet only high CBD cannabis stops my seizures and convulsions. Within minutes. Look. Listen. I know I am already hell bound for the times I smoked it versus (maybe, please let me know) the eternal safety of only using the oil drops under my tongue. Please let us know what your church thinks about using the oils, like little Charlotte. A lot of filthy sinners and unbelievers are anxious to hear your take on whether God considers the oils and edibles an acceptable loophole.
  • I notice you did not have room for murderers, rapists or Democrats on your banner. Good for you. A lot of people overlook the far more toxic and soul destroying powers of feminism, but your clearheaded focus is like a bright and shining path before us. I also see that if you were forced by God or Kinkos to add a Thirteenth Commandment, it would obviously be something akin to the circle and slash through Black Lives Matter on your t-shirt. 
  • Is it only Porn Freaks who burn or does it include Porn Dabblers? What about all the boobies my friend said are on Game of Thrones? Lake of fire worthy? That show has actual girl's butts that don't even have yoga pants on! Gross! And same sort of question about the masturbators. Is that considered an "even one time" thing and you will burn forever or what? (Asking for a friend.)
  • I can tell by what I guess are the carefully covered up white supremacist tattoos you got in prison, that you already know "Snitches Git Stitches". Ok, I'll be honest, maybe it is "GET stitches. I don't know. I'm just saying "GIT" kind of rhymes and flows better. ANYHOOO. I am no snitch, but is the  "Deadpool shirt guy" someone you have already finished driving away from Christianity or is he actually someone in your church? Frankly, he does not look offended or afraid enough, so it is hard to tell. As I am a Comic-Con goer, I loved Deadpool before the movie made it popular. Yes, I live by Portland and have a long beard. Why do you ask? Anyway, I can assure you that Deadpool supports many of the things on your perfected list. He has spoken favorably of both homos and yoga pants, which is a little confusing. But he also has come out in favor of porn and masturbating, so maybe get rid of that guy before anyone catches that! At the very least, when you need relief, you should stop letting him be the one to hold your nine foot pole.
  • My last question is probably the easiest to answer. If I were allowed to join your eight to nine person congregation, would I have to begin ostracizing and being mean to people right away or will I be given a grace period to truly learn how to properly hate people with the love of the Lord?

On a more serious note, what the hell is wrong with us? No, not you, sign guy. I think we know some of your issues.

What is wrong with us Christians who can become irate when a Muslim coworker does not stand on his desk and vocally disavow every televised terrorist attack, but we happily scroll right past this? We see shit like this and are afraid to condemn it, because ninety percent of us agree with at least four things on the sign.

Like spiritual beggars willing to eat a turd sandwich because it has at least one piece of lunchmeat in the middle, we stay silent. Be careful. Play it safe. Don't touch that post with a ten foot, bannerless pole. Maybe God hates homos and yoga pants as much as Church Guy and his non-prophet organization. I found this picture on the Facebook page of a friend who is an atheist. I regularly find my friend shining a light on our absurdities, when we believers should be the ones excelling at that.

This Church Guy's partially literate God ran out of banner room and had to move some of His excess hate over to His brave follower's t-shirt. From there, sign guy could also clarify exactly where (his) Jesus stands on Black Lives. And yet maybe we do not need a Thirteenth Commandment, but only one.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; 
And every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 
- 1 John 4:7, 8

I realize all the blank space that our banners will have would leave far too much to interpretation, so here is an even better idea: 

Let's stop putting any "God quotes" on banners, shirts and bumper stickers for a while. Like, for all of 2017 for example. You don't even have to start a blog, if you don't want to.

But then on January 1st of 2018, let's ask the weirdos trying to get into the Comic-Con, including the Supergirl cosplay women with their gross, offensive, spandex covered butts, whether or not they even know the beliefs for which we Christians claim to stand.

If not, we can always go back to the bullhorn bullying and sinner saving signs. That seems to be working well.


  1. Thank you for getting the 1 John 4:7,8 posted...maybe I'll order some shirts...

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