Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Future is Awful, but the Ratings are Wonderful

Howdy, subscribers! It's currently June of 2024 and according to what's now trending across the worldwide Teleweb, the biggest question on everyone's mind this election season is whether or not Secretary of State Chelsea will outdo her mother Hillary to become the second Clinton to rule in the Big House (formerly known as the "White House").

The hacker group Anonymous is again partnering with TMZ to promise election cycle excitement with their regular summer release of all the candidates private Teleweb surfing histories. Several of the highest rated candidates, like Kanye West, try to get ahead of the scandal by announcing, "of course I watch a little My Little Pony porn, who doesn't?"  America nods in agreement and changes the channel.  Kayne goes up 4 points in the polls.

Opposing front-runners in the new Christpublican party, like Josh Dugger, weep openly at their press conference that sure, they too have a serious problem being sicko "My Little Porny's", but their wives remain dutifully by their sides. America yawns and changes the channel. In an unexpected twist, the hackers at Anonymous give another press release stating they were kidding, as they honestly had not gotten to breaking into the candidate's filthy Teleweb histories just yet and "thanks for saving us the time by confessing".

Incumbent President Trump cuts the ribbon at the new D.C. mall attraction, Trumpland®. The highest ride towers several hundred feet over the Washington monument and thousands of Trump fans excitedly waddle in or drive in on their Hoverounds. In a first, the U.S. Supreme Court (owned and sponsored this year by Taco Bell and their delicious Monster Extreme Burrito Supreme) awards a full transferal of trademark and copyrights to Trump for his newly revamped version of "Donald Duck". The embattled and now financially struggling Disney Corporation announces they will decline further court appeals. Donald's Donald goes online to quack his Tweet, "Total Loothers!"  America laughs and changes the channel.

It rolls into November, just days away from the election and the new question on everyone's mind is the provocative and absurd new Starbucks "Hoppy Hellidays" cup, now all in black and Santa skulls. For the first time in almost 20 years, in the ensuing fake outrage, every Teleweb server crashes for Facebook (now a subsidiary of Taco Bell). The secret council of the Illuminati Facebook board decides to leave the stupid Telewebsite down until January.  

Detached from their digital teat, most of America weeps openly and wanders aimlessly in the streets. Many are begging for a sign and direction of where to now aim their outrage as Social Justice Warriors on the Teleweb. Most of the traffic halfheartedly redirects to the already insane ramblings of the comment section of TMZ's telewebsite.

On a more positive note, the producers of The Walking Dead promise this year that their close work with genetic scientists around the world should finally reveal history's first actual zombies by 2025! 

The upcoming "The REAL Walking Dead" reality show promises to be a big hit on the Teleweb, with the first season's runners and survivors being none other than America's beloved royal family, the Kardashians. President-elect Kayne is unavailable for comment.

The producers also reveal that some of the real, dead toddler Walkers will be prominently tied up and displayed at Trumpland® in the "It's a Small, Awful World After All" attraction. They also assure us that these adorable Dead only have about a 40% chance of breaking free and devouring the living theme park visitors. It's an exciting gamble, as these cute little deadlers will supposedly be genetically modified to outrun Hoverounds. A full 96% of Americans agree that even if this happens, by now we pretty much deserve it.

In a surprise announcement, the NRA (now a subsidiary of Facebook) claim there is nothing to worry about with the Walkers as they unveil their national "Free 9mm with every Hoveround" program for everyone above the legal concealed carry age of 8. The next day, two people are injured at Trumpland® on the fan favorite "You're Impeached!" log ride from accidental firearm discharges.

America absentmindedly drools a little and eagerly awaits the next distraction or outrage.

Change the damn channel.