Thursday, May 12, 2011

Yoga is for girls (Olympic gymnasts)

My P90X threw in a 90 minute Yoga session with the other 11 DVDs. This was partly so they could also get the money of the dirty hippies and NPR listeners, which I wholly endorse.

The other reason is if they did not make you stretch the heck out of your muscles after the other weights and resistance workouts, you would die.

Your muscles would keep contracting and cramping, until they found you in the fetal position, tighter than an armadillo.

If you're worried that yoga (pronounced "yoga") is a religion or cult, let me put that to rest. Yoga is simply the holistic promotion of your well-being through the ancient arts of stretching and falling over.

If you have never done yoga before, I can easily tell you how, even without the help of pictures.

For starters, stand up straight and spread your legs apart (any direction will work) and then balance on one foot, holding that pose for just a brief 4 to 6 minutes.

Did you fall over? No? Really?

OK, spread your legs further apart and turn one foot inward as much as you can and the other one out sideways, toes pointed slightly toward your belly button. Now gradually and carefully (still on one foot) try to touch your nose to your knee.

Aha! Yoga!

We will call that one the "platypus", because they are also hilarious to look... um, I mean... it's been called that for thousands of years.

Last night I think I did the "crane", the "whooping crane", the "whooping cough" and the "smokers cough". Then I put the DVD in.

I also did the "dog", the "tree" and my own modified versions of the "falling tree" and possibly even the "dog peeing on the tree".

They even have one called the "baby" where you (I am not making this up) lie on your back, grab the soles of your feet, spread your legs wide and rock back and forth. Because this makes you "look like a baby".

Ha! Right. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you looking like you're HAVING a baby. Or the fact that it is similarly painful and just as embarrassing if family members are in the room watching.

But I will admit that I did NOT say the "OOOOOMMMMMM" thing at the end. And not because I think it is a cult.

I simply did not want to give more fuel to the wife already laughing at me from the next room and threatening to take pictures.

Day 4.


  1. Sooo hilarious...and all this time I thought your P90X was your personal version of an XBox Superchallenge. Please let your wife post as many pictures as possible, because my wild imagination needs to be harnessed and pulled of the mega-visual merry-go-round. Thanks, Patricio! Hahaha....

  2. P90x peeps are brilliant. Hippies are a chosen demographic because tie dye is easier to spot in a fetal ball. The "baby" pose sounds humilliating. We will need pictures, of course.

    Ps.The "ooooommmmm" sound is really short for, "ohhhmmmmmygahhhIcantbelievehowmuchthatfaceplanthurts"

  3. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmYou truly outdid yourself! I imagine your body is slapping you sideways and your wry sense of humor has slid in Monty Python territory....remember it hurts to laugh for both of us.... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum...Arg.....