Thursday, June 2, 2011

You Woke The Bears! Why Did You Do That?!

I iz hongry!

I thought the biggest reason to move to Ecuador (which means Equator, so you know it is good and hot) was because it rains 360 days a year in Oregon. I was wrong.

It is bears.

My local FOXNews affiliate (motto: "News you can trust. Seriously. Trust us. NOW.") just posted a story this morning called - and I am not making this us - "Tips For Protecting Yourself, Home From Bears".

This perfectly normal news story is because a bear showed up yesterday at a nearby Elementary School, in Tualatin. For those who live outside of Oregon, Tualatin is not a forest, it is a CITY.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Pat, you are overreacting... the Tualatin Elementary School is a whole 15.9 miles from your house."

And this is true. But you are forgetting that BEARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 500 MILES FROM MY HOUSE.

If they had asked me to write the article (which they should have), here is how I would have written the news story about "Tips For Protecting Yourself, Not Being Eaten By Bears":

Step # 1 - Move somewhere there are no bears.

Step # 2 - They followed you? Seriously? Dude.

Step # 3 - Can you run faster than a 2nd grader? No? Dude.

Step # 4 - Kill and/or eat the bear.

But no. They tranquilized this one. The scariest animal after the shark travels hundreds of miles, clearly with the single-minded intention of snacking on school children and we... make it take a nap and drive it back to its house.

So our bear infestation is still second only to our liberal hippy one.



  1. An Alaskan friend of mine said that he always carried a gun in case of attacks. Not for protection, but to shoot your buddy and then run.

  2. Look at this site:

  3. Bee, I have an Alaskan fri... COWORKER... and I think I can say with confidence that they are gun toting maniacs, which is scary.

    Also? They are even scarier when they are just naked self promoters of their blogs.

    And probably even scariest when they are just naked.

  4. What is even worse is that I was naked while posting it AT WORK! I was also reading:

  5. According to latest statistics {via Prescott}, the ice caps are melting and the bears are floating on down....first stop, Oregon City.Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha