Thursday, March 1, 2012

Metal Tube of Death

Getting an MRI is just like a Disneyland ride, if you take away the fun and motion and add extra claustrophobia. The part about spending all your money to wait in line for and hour and then being shoved into a tight confine you cannot escape from is still there, though. Even the "taking off your pants" part is the same, if you've ever been kicked out of the magic kingdom.

"Magnetic Resonance Imaging" is what Wikipedia says it supposedly stands for and they are similar to x-rays, but take much higher quality pictures. A much newer method, the procedure did not even come about until a full 60 years after x-rays were invented, when our technology reached the point that we could finally combine medical science and sadism.

Unlike x-rays, they give you earplugs, a panic button and offer you sedatives. That part is not a joke, believe it or not.

Since my shoulder injury has not changed in 4 months, my doctor suggested taking the space age pics. They shoved me in the metal tube, the exact size and shape of "not a big person" and the tech came over the internal speaker to say, "just lie back, close your eyes and try to enjoy it", which I thought was awkward. But that was quickly forgotten.

After reading the Wikipedia article, the nearest I can figure how it works, is once you've been inserted into the metal tube of death, they flip the switch and start with little people banging on the outside with hammers, Darth Vader farting into a bullhorn and a full blast skipping CD of Metallica. Don't get me wrong, I like Metallica, just not the same note over and over.

I actually have had quite a few MRI's over the years, so I am not sure why they are bothering more and more as I get older. I'd like to think it is not simply because I am increasingly concerned with my mortality and so I cannot stop thinking how similar it is to the "buried alive in a coffin" scene in Kill Bill 2, but I'm no psychologist.

"Just lie back and close your eyes..."

But I suppose I'm grateful this pseudo-science exists. Here's hoping the quarter a million dollar a year salaried doctor can progress passed telling me, "yup, you got a shoulder ow-ee".

1 comment:

  1. ow-ee!?! Dougie Houser? If, the next time,if there is a next time, you are subjected to the noise and confinement of an MRI machine, pretend you are at a Blue Man Concert, and enjoy...p;]